you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
