Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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