Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this beer tastes like vomit already
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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