I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
