It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
