This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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