I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
