I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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