its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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