I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
