I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
