I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
