um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
