final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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