there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize