I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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