im six kinds of drunk right now
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
