I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
