After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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