I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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