I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
