Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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