There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
