I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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