sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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