I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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