note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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