I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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