Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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