so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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