she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
