Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
