if i can run in heels then i can drive
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
