have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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