ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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