I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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