i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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