I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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