So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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