i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize