Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
