Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
