You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i think im in europe. pls send help
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
