that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
