dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize