Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
