tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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