i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
third nipple confirmed
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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