Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
