I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
