Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
