I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
