I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I did not marry a roomba.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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