I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
