Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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