I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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