she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
