In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think I won the penis lottery.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
